The Kaylee Workout

Step one: Strap on leg weights that are at least 1/6th your body weight.

Step two: Roll around on the floor and act cute.

Two sets of 30 reps with each leg.

Go.

It's picture day!

If you're nice, I'll send you one.

Fully dressed

No self-respecting princess would even think about going to school
without her tiara.

Happy Mothers Day

Kaylee was very proud of her framed portrait of Mommy.*

Mom seemed to like it too.

* You can kinda see Rae in it - if you squint. You know, just let your eyes cross. Personally, I see a sailboat.

Scenes from life

INT. LIVING ROOM - MORNING

A YOUNG MOTHER struggles with her DAUGHTER trying to get her ready to go to school. The DAUGHTER sips from her juice cup as she dodges MOTHER'S attempts to fix her hair.

MOTHER
Kaylee, settle down please.

DAUGHTER
Pppffffftttttt! (laughs)

MOTHER
(Sternly) Kaylee, spitting is not OK. That's not funny.

DAUGHTER
Not funny for you ...

MOTHER stifles a laugh and runs off stage to tell FATHER what happened. FATHER immediately updates blog.

Dancing queens

Kaylee and Rae "bring sexy back."

If you're ever stuck in Dallas part 2 ...

Grandma Cindy recommends you bring a spare shirt to the aquarium, just in case you get pooped on.

If you're ever stuck in Dallas ...

Kaylee and Rae recommend the aquarium. Especially the otters.

Lunch with Grandma Cindy

<cheese> Hugs on the menu. </cheese>

On our way to Texas ...

But not all of us are awake yet.

Lesson plan

Good to know they are starting early with the fundamentals at Kaylee's school. I was afraid all of that would be left to Rae and I to teach her at home.

Pima County Fair

Pony - rode.

Goats - pet.

Carnivored.

Cornivored.

Carouselled.

Ferris Wheeled.

Roger Clyne-ed.

(What she really thought of it.)

Not a bad day.

Our cactus bloomed ...

... and Kaylee learned:

A) The cactus blooms once a year.
B) The flowers smell wonderful.
C) While the flower is soft and delicate, the cactus still hurts like
a sonuvagun when you grab it.

Sure, there's a new baby ...

... but can IzzyButt KNIT? (And yes, she's knitting with drum sticks. What great improvisational skills she has!)

Yeah. We didn't think so.

It's a monkey.

Can't you tell?

Easter eggs

Late, yes. But at least I bothered to upload. (Don't go looking for Easter Egg hunting photos. They didn't turn out.)

Easter swag

Necklace and bracelet and earrings!
(And lots of candy.)
Thanks Grammy!

Sick day

Kaylee came home with a fever today, so we underwent bubble-therapy.

Seems to have done the trick.

My parrot

So Kaylee is at the age where she repeats everything.

Everything.

It's not so bad - that's how they learn. They hear something on TV - or hear you say something - they repeat it and see how you react. That's how kids learn things like how to ask for something, good manners and pronouns. (Coincidentally all things Kaylee is pretty bad at.)

But it's also how they pick up things that you would really rather they didn't. Things like slang, swearing and that comment about my step-mother that could potentially ruin Christmas.

I'm sure you think you know where this is going. "Oh, Kaylee said something inappropriate and it was soooo cute." Well, yeah. Kinda.

I had always assumed that my daughter would randomly say things like "dambuss" and "forking holl – learn to drive!" and "gaddomn forking piece of shot cat possed on the couch again!"* This was one that took me by surprise.

You see, at school today (because this kind of thing NEVER happens at home where parents can just sweep it under the rug and forget about it) Kaylee walked up to her teachers and told them that she was horny.

"I horny." I'm pretty sure that's the exact quote.

The teachers (I'm sure trying to stifle a laugh while speed-dialing CPS) asked her to repeat herself – just to make sure they heard what they thought they heard.

"I horny." Yup. That was it. And I'm sure she looked sooo proud of herself saying it too.

And now you're laughing a little and thinking to yourself "Gee, that's not THAT bad. What's he so worried about?"

Did I mention she had just walked out of the bathroom – buck nekkid, with her diaper around one ankle?

Yeah. That's my daughter.

I must have done something really nasty to my parents to deserve this.

* Spellings obviously changed for the more sensitive – but if you can't figure them out, you don't know me very well.

AL. EEE. GAY. TOR.

I really wish I had the picture of Kaylee with her head in it's mouth.
Priceless.

At the Dead Animal Zoo

Watching the polar bears just isn't the same.

Out for a walk

Too. Damn. Cute.

Sweep the leg Johnny

Kaylee shows off her mad karate skillz on her Spider-Man punching bag.
Kai! Kai! Kai!

Twirl

When choosing a dress for a wedding, one must make sure it will look good on the dance floor.

Obviously...

The Easter Bunny is significantly more approachable than Santa Claus.

Morning person

I'm not sure when it happened, but Kaylee has stopped being a morning person.

Just a month ago we woke up every morning to the pitter-patter of excited feet running to our room and were greeted with a smiling, giggling belly flop into bed.

Now, we hear grumping in her room, followed by crying and whining until she has woken up. "I no want breakfast. I no want change my diaper. I no want get dressed." This can go on for a few minutes – or up to an hour.

I'm wondering how soon I can start giving her coffee. That seems to work for her parents.

Don't eat the butter!

Kaylee makes the best grilled cheese sammiches ever.

Introducing ...

Kaylee and Hobbes.
(Yes, I helped with the name a bit.)

Christmas, late

So Uncle James lives in India. The crazy guy thought it would be a lot of fun if packed up his few wordly belongings, flew to the other side of the world and taught chemistry. Since he lives in an area that is only accessible by llama (I might be exaggerating a little bit) we don't hold it against him when it takes him an extra three months to get his niece her present.

Kaylee's Christmas present finally arrived yesterday – in a box that has more mileage than Pamela Anderson. This box has traveled from Illinois to India (to Hong Kong?) to Illinois and finally to Arizona. It smelled a little funny, was a little damp and looked like Ike Turner had worked it over. (Yes, I'm aware that I made two bad pop culture references in the same paragraph. I couldn't decide between the two of them – so you get both.)

Kaylee didn't care. She just wanted to open it.
This is her new "cheeeeese" face.

Gift #1: An awesome hand-made tiger. Uncle James has this really cool tradition of making stuffed animals for his nieces. So far Kaylee has a dolphin/shark thing made from a sock, a very cool Larry the Christmas Lobster and now this guy. "Is very special. Uncle James make me for her."

Gift #2: But as cool as the tiger is – Kaylee was more impressed by the cheap knock-off action figures that Uncle James sent. Included are: Almost Batman, Not Quite Spider-Man and Not Recognizable as any one Important Lad. I'm just thankful she is past the "everything goes in my mouth" phase – because who knows what vile toxins these things are made from.

Top-down drivin'

Kaylee wants Uncle Ry to know the weather is awesome.
Of course, it will be 120 by the time he gets here ...

Breakfast conversation

I eat my booberry muffin.

It goes in my neck and in my belly.

I go potty. It goes in my butt.

I flush it. Bye booberry poop!

Potty time

Frustration, thy name is Potty Training.

The kid uses the potty ALL the time at school. Several times a day. The teachers RAVE about how well she's doing.

But when she gets home, she screams and cries if you get her anywhere near the bathroom. "I no need potty! I go next time!"

And then she immediately pees her pants.

What really gets me is that she WAS using the bathroom at home on a regular basis. It's only very recently that it has become a huge problem.

We're trying not to force her - as we don't want to raise a serial killer ("I can stab!") - but this is killing me. Maybe if I only force her a little bit she'll stop with killing small animals.

Hmmmmm. That could solve some if my other urine-related problems. (I'm looking at you, cat.)

Humpty Dumpty*

So Kaylee, tell me about Humpty Dumpty.

He climb up stairs.

And then what?

He fall down.

OK.

He fall over. He get owie on his cheek.

Oh no!

He fall down and almost die.

Then what happened?

Horses, horses, horses horses.

* Compiled from several different conversations because a 2-year-old can only ride one train of thought for so long.

Rodeo day

I knew that little girls like horses, so we decided to take a vacation day and take the kid to her first Fiesta de los Vaqueros Parade.

Two hours of nothing but horses and wagons.

She loved it. Jumping up and down loved it.

Guess we have to do it again next year.

Damn.

Well ...

... she loved MOST of it.

The world according to Kaylee

"pineconeapple"

Kaylee's first fire drill

First person accounts from the event:

Is berry loud. I scare. I cry lots.

Is no big deal. Is pretend. I go with my teachers. Go outside.

Leo scare too. He cry lots.

Make me sad. Fire engine make my safe.

Potty training

Good to know I could contribute something to the cause. 

Here's a quote from the wall at day care.

Shopping with Dad

It has been a long-standing tradition that I pick out all sunglasses for "my girls." I don't know how it started, but I'm pretty good at it.

So it is only fitting that I should pick out Kaylee's first pair.

Now if I could only get her to wear them on her eyes.

Dress up.

"I wear Mommy panties. Cheeeeesssseee."

At the Japanese restaurant

"Kaylee, do you want chicken teriyaki?"

"No. I no want chicken yucky."

I am going insane.

Huh?

That one word. That one syllable, is going to be my downfall.

Sometime between me leaving for Syracuse and my return, Kaylee has picked up a nasty little habit. She answers every question with "Huh?" I'm not pointing any fingers, but a certain someone was here during that time. I won't even name her (it rhymes with Schmaggie) because I can't prove that she was responsible. 

But if she knew how much it would bug me, I wouldn't put it past her to mastermind this whole thing.*

Do you want to watch Sesame Street?

Huh?

Do you want macaroni and cheese for dinner?

Huh?

Why are you sticking that in your ear?

Huh?

Why are you wearing your socks on your hands?

Huh?

Do you want to talk to Grandpa Charlie?

Huh?

Are you trying to drive Daddy insane?

Huh?

Do you want to go back inside the box?

Huh?

She huhs me. She huhs her mother. She huhs her teachers. She huhs the damn dogs. It's gotten so bad, I've actually caught her huh-ing herself as she plays. She'll ask herself or her dolls a question and reply with her new favorite word.

I'd pray to be delivered through this, but I'm afraid the one time I got a direct answer from on high it wouldn't be a burning bush, it wouldn't be a chorus of angelic voices - it would be one, little, annoying word.

Huh?

 

* Though that would take a certain amount of evil planning I don't know that she is capable of. She's not DIRECTLY related to me after all.

From the road

If you've been wondering what the he'll is going on with the Twitter feed, I've been on my annual trip to lovely Syracuse, NY. (I'm currently stuck on the runway in a plane with electrical woes.)

As part of the trip I spent a lot of time with the SU journalism students and I've determined a few things. 1) I'm old. 2) I'm not ready for Kaylee to grow up. 3) I don't want her to go away to school. And 4) If she does go away to school, I hope she never tells me stories like these students told me. They were no worse than what I did in college, but that's not the point.

Do as I say, not as I did.

The big news is that apparently, as of today Kaylee has been moved up to the next room at daycare. So I'm sure that means more of an emphasis on ABCs, 123s and a touch of potty training.

That may put her one step closer to frat parties, boy troubles and credit card debt - but at least she'll be wearing big girl panties.

And if I can keep her in Disney Princess Pull-Ups, maybe that will keep the boy troubles to a minimum.

Lessons learned at the ComicCon

Kaylee's getting one last run in the Spider-Man costume today. It barely fits, but we've donned it to better blend with Arizona's geeks.

We're surrounded by Stormtroopers, ninjas and a variety of overweight teens dressed in strange outfits that look more like pajamas than costumes.

I know I'm a dork, I dragged my family to a third-tier comic book convention after all, but there's just something about being surrounded by these people that makes you feel so much better about yourself.

And I think that's the lesson I hope Kaylee takes away from all of this.

You may not have a lot of money, you may not love your job, you may not be happy with the hand life has dealt you. But at least you're not an 45-year-old man dressed as what appears to be a cross between a kitty and a Japanese call girl.

OK. Now I'm ready to update.

Pretty sure I got the short end of the stick in this slipper exchange.

Now with 100% more fun!

I just realized that I haven't updated the blog in a while.

Not that I'm going to start now.

But I haven't forgotten about you – I'm just waiting for the next big event. Perhaps Kaylee's first car or her high school graduation.

Parenting tip #134

If your child is eating yogurt – and sneezes – do not wipe the yogurt off her pants and lick it off of your fingers. It might not be yogurt.

Shhhhhhh ...

... Mommy's sleeping.

Kaylee's new word

"But I AM Napoleon!"

At Grandpa Charlie's

"Ah eat da cheez."