This is ...

... what 5 am at the airport (sans coffee) feels like.

The Colonel

Apparently, bubble goatees are hillarious.

There will be cake (and possibly blood)

We took Kaylee to the neighbor's birthday party today. We were told it was just a small affair at a nearby park. It was the three of us, our neighbors, the 10-year-old birthday girl and her brother and sister.

And about 40 other family members. None of whom we had ever met.

But that didn't stop Kaylee. She charmed the adults. She found herself playing with all the cousins (despite being one of the youngest by far). Despite a full morning playing with her best friend and no nap – she played her heart out and was a complete angel. I was really quite proud of her.

(And you should see her dribble a soccer ball. The kid has skills I didn't have when I was five.)

I'm not sure if she noticed it first, or if we showed it to her, but she became very interested in the piñata. It was huge, covered in mylar and streamers and I can only imagine what it looked like to a two-year-old hanging high in that tree with the sunlight catching it just so.

She joined the small group of children who gathered around it as one of the uncles tested the rope. Up and down it bounced in the sky and with each rise Kaylee's eyes got a little bit larger. She got even more excited when I told her it was filled with candy. (She likes candy.)

"Daddy, can I touch it?"

I said sure and gave her a little push on her butt to send her in the right direction.

She didn't quite make it up to the piñata when one of the aunts cornered her and shooed her into a line of children ranked small to big. Being one of the youngest, Kaylee was second in line and had a great view as the birthday girl was handed the stick.

Dale, dale, dale,

no pierdas el tino;

Porque si lo pierdes

pierdes el camino.

Ya le diste una,

ya le diste dos;

Ya le diste tres,

y tu tiempo se acabó

Kaylee's smile widened as everyone started singing and the piñata started bouncing up and down. So you can imagine the look of absolute terror that took over when this older girl (whom Kaylee idolizes) started beating the living hell out of this poor papier maché star.

The poor kid spend the next five minutes on our laps, crying her eyes out while all the other children took their turns whacking away as bits and pieces of their target rained to the ground.

All I could think was, thank God the birthday girl is too old for a Dora the Explorer piñata.

Right before it was about to break, Kaylee figured it all out and decided that it looked like fun and took a few whacks at it. And once she had the candy in her hand she was definitely over it.

Just don't expect to see a repeat performance at her party next month.

How I know I have a little girl, addendum

But she's got a decent spiral. She can hit Mom from 3 feet every time.

At this rate she's already better than anyone throwing for the Bears.

How I know I have a little girl, reason 427

Little boys never want to get up and dance with the princess at the end of the movie.

New shades

Perfect for top-down drivin'.

That's a lotta Kaylees

Kaylee and a freshly-stuffed Tickle Bunny enjoy an impromptu story
time while Mom and Dad shop at the Banana Republic.

C'est fini

Sure, her elephant has five red legs ... But it also has two eyes, a trunk, two ears, a sky and a pond to stand in.
Now I just have to get her to keep it up and she can support me by being a famous artist.

Masterpiece in progress

Swear to God - she painted this elephant on her own. (Well, Rae did one ear to get her started.)

Sure beats anything I ever did at two-years-old.

Dear Polar Bear,

I hope you enjoy your letter.
Your friend,
Kaylee

The driving lesson

SCENE: A CAR - DRIVING

A FATHER is driving his Mustang convertible with his TWO-YEAR-OLD DAUGHTER strapped into her carseat in the rear of the vehicle. THE FATHER is desperately trying to move from the left lane to the right lane so he can make his turn - but the STUPID DRIVER next to him is not cooperating.

THE FATHER speeds up - and the STUPID DRIVER speeds up.

FATHER (FRUSTRATED): Motherf ...

His voice trails off as he remembers the presence of his TWO-YEAR-OLD DAUGHTER.

THE FATHER slows down – and the STUPID DRIVER also slows down.

FATHER (A LITTLE LOUDER): God damm ...

Again THE FATHER catches himself. He speeds up in a last ditch effort to get around the STUPID DRIVER which, of course, speeds up.

FATHER (VERY AGITATED): Sweet Jesus you f ...

Grinding his teeth to keep from completing the sentence, THE FATHER again slows down. And so does the STUPID DRIVER.

THE FATHER - now to the point of stammering in frustration - comes to an almost complete stop and slides in behind the STUPID DRIVER just in time to make his turn.

FATHER (SHAKING HIS FIST): You mot ... *mumble* ... stupid fuc ... *mumble* ... DOUCHEBAG!!!

THE FATHER immediately realizes what he has done and knows that the best thing to do is to calm down and pretend like nothing out of the ordinary has happened. If he doesn't make a big deal out of it the TWO-YEAR-OLD DAUGHTER will forget about it as soon as she is distracted by a passing motorcycle or school bus. He calmly composes himself, regrips the steering wheel and continues on his journey.

Several moments pass. The TWO-YEAR-OLD is contemplating the events.

TWO-YEAR-OLD DAUGHTER: Daddy?

FATHER (KNOWING WHAT IS COMING): Yes dear?

TWO-YEAR-OLD DAUGHTER: Why you tell him "push back?"

THE FATHER breathes a sigh of relief and collects his thoughts.

FATHER: Because he was driving too fast honey. Daddy needed to let him know that he was being a bad driver.

TWO-YEAR-OLD: Yeah. He is a bad driver. Just like Uncle James.

It's official.

She's a princess.

Worse. She's a Disney Princess. (The days of Manman seem to be so long ago now.)

This was supposed to be for her birthday, but the little stinker caught me buying it — so this is Halloween instead.

She's already asking for a "beautiful Cinderella" dress for her birthday ... which we already bought.

We're such suckers.

Natural beauty

I'll let you figure out which I'm talking about.

Now THAT'S a rain puddle

My girls

With my latest upside-down table drawing.

(This one of the Wild Thing variety.)

My daughter, the comedian

Knock knock.

Who's there.

Cargo.

Cargo who?

Cargo beep beep!

Kaylee's first ball game

We decided that it being Labor Day weekend, we needed to give Kaylee some culture. Or maybe we just wanted to get out of the house. Either way, despite some ominous looking clouds, we ended up at Hi Corbett Field for what is probably the final game in the Tucson Toros' debut season.

It was Kaylee's first trip to the ball field (and our first minor league game) and while she seemed to enjoy it, I predicted that we'd be heading home after the third inning because she'd be bored.

The kid thought it was pretty cool, what with all the popcorn and the stomping and the clapping and the music. Oh - and Tuffy. He's the Toros' mascot and he gives some of the best highfives ever.

So one man on, two outs in the bottom of the third and Kaylee is going strong. She's waving my keys, yelling "AW BUMMER" when the bail sails over the center fielder's head and shaking her groove thing to a mix of the Jackson Five and the Beastie Boys.

And then the thunder starts getting closer. And then ...

Twenty seconds later, we were soaked and running for cover. But all in all, not a bad night.

We'll be back next season. And I can't wait to take her to Wrigley ...

Bubble wrapped

Yes - it's cute. But I haven't had my coffee yet.

Puppet theatre

Any negative comments will be taken personally by the players in the troupe.

And it is the little hand's first time in front of the camera.

Give her a break. What were you expecting?

Pinter?

Kaylee says ...

"It is a beautiful day to put the top off Daddy's car."