How (not) to raise children

Rae and I were talking about our concerns over becoming parents. Turns out she's a lot more worried about it than me. (Which I find silly given the fact that she is about 37 years more mature than me regardless of our actual ages.) She said something along the lines of "Kids just seem to like you. You know what to do with them."

I thought about that. And I've decided I DO know how to treat kids. It's not because I'm Super-Dad (to be) or anything. It's just that I can remember how I interacted with my brothers and sister while growing up.

And whatever I did then - I just do the exact opposite now. Here's a few examples. (Ten points to the first person who can correctly identify which sibling each event happened to.)

ONE: Do not punch the baby. (This also covers kicking the baby in the junk. It does not however cover super-wedgies off the top of the couch. Which, if I recall correctly, were requested by the recipient more often than not.)
TWO: Under no circumstances should you handcuff the baby to the monkey bars in the back yard.
THREE: Same goes for shooting the baby in the butt with a BB gun.
FOUR: Do not take the baby sledding, get tired, act like you hurt your leg and make the baby pull you home on the sled.
FIVE: Do not encourage the baby to do a strip show at the top of the stairs during a Cub Scout meeting.
SIX: Do not toss the baby into an ice cold bathtub while the baby is clothed.
SEVEN: Do not photograph the baby getting a wedgie in hisser tighty-whities after getting thrown in an ice cold bathtub.
EIGHT: Do not watch "Child's Play" with the baby, put a Chucky look-a-like doll head in hisser bed, hide under the bed and scream at the baby when s/he pulls down the sheets.
NINE: Do not take advantage of the baby's "afraid of germs" stage by showing himmer pictures of bacteria or fake sneezing on himmer whenever possible.
TEN: Do not traumatize the baby by forcing himmer to say words s/he isn't comfortable with. Like penis for example. Also, don't encourage Mom to join in the fun. Also, don't do this at the dinner table, especially when we have company.
ELEVEN: Do not cut the baby's hair. Leave it for the professionals. Or Rae.

There are many, many, many, many, many, many other rules. These are just some of the highlights. If I can manage to avoid most of these – we should be OK.

My apologies to my sibs for dredging up all of this. If you don't recall any of these happening it is because they happened before you were born, happened before you were too young to remember, or you have repressed the memory because it is too traumatic.