Friday, September 18, 2009

The driving lesson

SCENE: A CAR - DRIVING

A FATHER is driving his Mustang convertible with his TWO-YEAR-OLD DAUGHTER strapped into her carseat in the rear of the vehicle. THE FATHER is desperately trying to move from the left lane to the right lane so he can make his turn - but the STUPID DRIVER next to him is not cooperating.

THE FATHER speeds up - and the STUPID DRIVER speeds up.

FATHER (FRUSTRATED): Motherf ...

His voice trails off as he remembers the presence of his TWO-YEAR-OLD DAUGHTER.

THE FATHER slows down – and the STUPID DRIVER also slows down.

FATHER (A LITTLE LOUDER): God damm ...

Again THE FATHER catches himself. He speeds up in a last ditch effort to get around the STUPID DRIVER which, of course, speeds up.

FATHER (VERY AGITATED): Sweet Jesus you f ...

Grinding his teeth to keep from completing the sentence, THE FATHER again slows down. And so does the STUPID DRIVER.

THE FATHER - now to the point of stammering in frustration - comes to an almost complete stop and slides in behind the STUPID DRIVER just in time to make his turn.

FATHER (SHAKING HIS FIST): You mot ... *mumble* ... stupid fuc ... *mumble* ... DOUCHEBAG!!!

THE FATHER immediately realizes what he has done and knows that the best thing to do is to calm down and pretend like nothing out of the ordinary has happened. If he doesn't make a big deal out of it the TWO-YEAR-OLD DAUGHTER will forget about it as soon as she is distracted by a passing motorcycle or school bus. He calmly composes himself, regrips the steering wheel and continues on his journey.

Several moments pass. The TWO-YEAR-OLD is contemplating the events.

TWO-YEAR-OLD DAUGHTER: Daddy?

FATHER (KNOWING WHAT IS COMING): Yes dear?

TWO-YEAR-OLD DAUGHTER: Why you tell him "push back?"

THE FATHER breathes a sigh of relief and collects his thoughts.

FATHER: Because he was driving too fast honey. Daddy needed to let him know that he was being a bad driver.

TWO-YEAR-OLD: Yeah. He is a bad driver. Just like Uncle James.

7 comments:

Tori said...

OH MY gosh! I love it! You're lucky she didn't say "Douche Bag" Racheal would have loved that one! lol

niftysunburn said...

you're an asshat no talent assclown

mike rice said...

Such language ... especially directed at a child. I was actually quite proud of her for remembering your poor driving skills from this summer.

Charlie and Cindy said...

Out of the mouths of babes.....

mike rice said...

Babe? I know I'm good looking and all ... but I still should learn to watch my language around the kid.

Papa Allen said...

LMAO OUT LOUD !!!

maggie said...

I love it.

And believe me, I'm surrounded by push-backs here, too.