Saturday, September 30, 2006

Just a tidbit

Today is garage sale day - or carport sale day I guess. Gotta get rid of all our stuff to make room for Kaylee. So Rae and I are sitting out in front of the house and she's filling out the addmission form for the hospital she'll be delivering at ...

Under the "Mother" category it asks for ...

Doctor information
Insurance information
Blood ty ...


Thursday, September 28, 2006

A new milestone

So Rae was at the baby doctor today and she got some news which didn't sit well with her. Kaylee's fine – no worries there. But it seems Rae weighed in at a number which made her a little uneasy today. She's never broken this number before. I told her it was fine – and that it's perfectly normal to gain weight during pregnancy.

I don't know if I'm allowed to share her weight with you or not. Honestly, you wouldn't think that it's a big deal. Not that I'm saying you're fat – but you don't have crazy amounts of hormones running through your system right now.

Unless you are my pregnant sister – in which case you should just forget that I said anything in the first place.

Tuesday, September 26, 2006

Kitty hearts Kaylee

Yeah, she pees on everything. But it's moments like this that make me regret fantasizing about slathering her with gravy and turning her loose outside at night to wrestle with the coyotes.

Yes, I'm talking about the cat.

Saturday, September 23, 2006

Busting at the seams

This shot's actually from last week. But since I didn't post any of them – and she really hasn't grown all THAT much since then – I'm posting it now. Oh, and I'm too lazy to take another picture right now.

Recent developments:
• Only one of us will fit on the couch at a time.
• Rae is down to one pair of jeans – and we don't know how long those will last.
• Residents of Tokyo flee in terror when Rae rises out of the harbor.

Thursday, September 21, 2006

Wednesday, September 20, 2006

Don't scare the baby

Rae was telling me that she read in one of her books that you can startle a baby in the womb at about this point.

Thinking that sounded cool, I put my face against her belly and began to yell at Kaylee. Nothing in particular, just loud.

Kaylee totally kicked me in the mouth.

I'm hoping this isn't a sign of things to come.

Monday, September 18, 2006

Shower pictures UPDATED**

OK - I wasn't at the shower. I had manly things to do – like go see a horrible film instead. But that won't stop me from providing captions to all the lovely pictures that Maggie took during the festivities.

** Maggie provides some insight from behind the camera. Her "thoughts" follow in italics.

"YAY! NO COLDCUTS!" (Though later Rae got hungry and thought how nice it would be to have a nice deli tray.)

Actually, Rae never uttered the phrase “Yay, no coldcuts.” She did, however, repeat “More cake!” at least six times.

Shortly after this photo was taken, Mel was assaulted by a pregnant woman. She was left shaken, but unharmed. Authorities believe the assailant was hungry and wanted the boneless chicken wings on Mel's plate. Readers are reminded that if you are going to vacation around pregnant women, please secure all extra food out of their reach – preferably on a high shelf, or suspended from a tree branch.

There was no assault. Mel was wise enough to keep Rae’s plate full to overflowing at all times. What Mr. Rice assumed was an assault was obviously Rae’s elation over being served something other than a ham sandwich.

Rae isn't smiling because she got her shower. She's not smiling because her mom and sister called her. She's smiling because her husband Photoshopped the giant zit off her chin in this close-up.

Zit? What zit? Rae hasn’t a blemish on her peaches and cream complexion!

"Oh please let this one be for me. Kaylee got enough stuff … where's that Dyson I've been hinting nonstop at?"

Rae is actually opening the lovely nursery organizer handmade by Hawaii. It’s really cool and beautiful. But don’t take my word for it; Mike, post a photo, okay?

Rae marvels at the dinosaur slippers Great-grandma Rice made for Kaylee. What? Frogs? I don't know what you're talking about – those are clearly dinosaurs. Since when does G'ma have anything to do with frogs?

They are definitely frogs. Am I the only one who’s wondering if they’ll fit Porthos?

Aunt Ruth sent a pair of hand-made lace slippers. (I can't call them "booties" – they'll take away what little bit of manhood I've been allowed to keep.)

They are indeed booties, not slippers. And they are so detailed!

"Oh look, it's another adorable baby thing. Here, pass it on."

Yeah, that’s pretty much an accurate assessment of that particular moment.

Operator error.

I beg your pardon? It was NOT operator error. Your batteries suck. I had to turn the camera off after every shot, and then quickly back on again to get it to function. And then it was slow…really…really…sloooooow.

(C'mon, it's a "Teen Wolf" reference. It's at least a little funny.)

She wasn’t really looking for a keg here; she was demonstrating what we now refer to as her “labor face.”

Reasons #2 and #3 why Mike is a lucky, lucky man.

Oh, yeah, that’s EXACTLY why I took this photo. Because there’s nothing I enjoy more than zooming in on Rae’s ample bosom.

But in all seriousness, the shower was wonderful, even if it was a chore to keep it a surprise! Rae is even more beautiful in person than she is in pictures, Mel was a perfect hostess, and Rae’s friends were delightful company. A good time was had by all.

Especially me, because I got to drive Mike’s car back to the house.

Sunday, September 17, 2006

Shower power

Despite the efforts of half the planet - Rae's baby shower happened today. And it remained a surprise. Actually it turned out a little better than we planned - all because of a phone message.

Racheal called me Friday on my way home from work to ask about a message on our machine. It was from one of her friends and said something to the affect of "Sorry I can't be in Arizona for your shower this weekend. Hope you have fun."

"When you get home you have some explaining to do," she said.

I played dumb, or tried to, and hung up on her. I then called Mel - on the left and the organizer of this shindig - to work out the details on how we were going to convince Rae there is no shower. (And have a little bit of fun with the whole thing.) We decide that Mel is going to call us Saturday to invite us up for an impromptu lunch "promptly at 1:30."

Then I hang up and call Maggie, who is flying in from Chicago and in the air as I speak, to tell her to play dumb when we pick her up from the airport. The contents of said message are too vulgar and laden with profanity to repeat in this public forum.

As soon as I get home I get grilled. And of course, when Rae really wants to get something out of me she gives me "that look." And it always cracks me up - no matter if I'm lying or not. (Which of course I am this time.) So for ten minutes I do my best to convince her that I know nothing about a baby shower this weekend - or at least that I'm not planning one.

Fast forward to the airport. Maggie isn't in the car for five minutes before Rae asks "So what can you tell me about the shower this weekend?"

"What? You mean Mike's sister's shower that's on Sunday?" Maggie does a good job of putting up a wall and holding the line - but Rae's still not buying it. "Why would people leave a message about a baby shower if there is no baby shower?"

Because they didn't know it was a surprise? Maybe? But I don't say that - I know better.

So, Saturday afternoon Rae gets a phone call from Mel. "Hey, I'm taking a break from all my stuff and we're having cold cuts for lunch. Do you want to come up? Be here at 1:30 if you do."

Now, we never turn down a free lunch. And we like cold cuts. (Nothing beats a variety of meats and cheeses.) But Rae is SURE that we're headed into a shower. She's all smiles. She's giving Maggie and I knowing looks as we drive up to the house.

But when we get there? No cars. No people. No presents. No shower.

Only cold cuts.

Rae eats her lunch and doesn't mention anything about the shower for the rest of the day.

We've broken her. Crushed. You do not mess with the master.

When we get home I realize I've lost my work phone. (In reality I have given it to Johnny, but we'll get to that.) I spend the rest of the day mentioning to Rae that I can't find it and I need it just in case the Pope hijacks an airplane to invade Iran and I have to go to work.

Fast forward to Sunday. We're waking up and talking when Rae says, "You know, I didn't realize how much I wanted a shower until we showed up at the house and there wasn't one. Only cold cuts." It takes all of my power not to laugh. In fact, the inside of my cheek still hurts from biting it.

We go about our day and we're getting ready to head out for lunch and grab a bite to eat. Rae is planning on meeting Mel to go dress shopping (Rae is in Mel's wedding about a week before she's due) in a few hours. Johnny calls Rae on her cell - from my cell phone. We decide that since I need my phone, we'll swing up that way and go to lunch with them.

Rae suspects nothing. When she sees multiple cars lined up outside the house it doesn't register. When she sees the balloons at the end of the drive she's still not sure. When we pull in and she sees multiple people it sinks in.

"You guys suck," and a smile are all she can get out.

More later.

Friday, September 15, 2006

Not a lot going on

Work. Eat. Sleep. Repeat.

That's pretty much all we've had time for in the past week.

Kaylee's been pretty active though. She's gone from just kicking and punching to turning summersaults in Rae's belly. What's wild is that you can see it. Her whole belly twists and contorts. I keep waiting for the alien to pop out.

Not much else going on though - I'm sure we'll come up with something blog-worthy this weekend since Maggie is coming to town. (Though that "something" may just be Maggie and I getting loaded on tequilla while Rae watches.)

Monday, September 11, 2006

Whose mones? Her mones.

Rae and I have been married for almost five years now. Just when you think you know someone ... they go and get pregnant, thereby altering their entire body chemistry.

Yesterday pretty much sums everything up:

1) Rae asks me to do a simple task, to which ...
2) I offer a simpler solution, which she goes to do. And then ...
3) Rae returns with a follow-up question ...
4) Which I promptly give her the answer to ...
5) Which, for some unknown reason, really ticks her off ...
6) So I ask her why she's PO'd at me ...
7) Which causes her to start crying ...
8) So I ask her why she's crying ...
9) Which causes her to start laughing ...
10) Which confuses the hell out of me.

Hormones suck.

Wednesday, September 06, 2006

Bandwidth explosion!

Nothing really important to share. Rae and I finally bought the kid a bed – AND put it together all by ourselves. How's that for love? We didn't pay a professional to do it or anything.

Now I just hope it doesn't collapse.

A step by step photo-documentary follows:*

I returned from Orlando to find THIS in the baby's room. What could it be? An hour of fun – that's what. Rae is either excited – or she's going to eat the dog. Eddie's not sure which.

Well, with the box out of the way this doesn't look too bad. Five pieces and some hardware. This should take about ten minutes.

Rae gets started attaching the hardware to the mattress spring. Because the bolts are so large and akward, this takes about twenty minutes by itself.

Then, after I move on to the next step and read the directions, we determine Rae has selected the wrong bolts. So we start over. Hasn't she learned anything by watching me? ALWAYS READ THE DIRECTIONS.

Meanwhile, the dog and I have been done with the bedframe for quite a while. In fact, we almost fell asleep waiting for Rae to redo her part of the project. (Now I know what you're thinking. How much help was Porthos, really? Well – at least he didn't choose the wrong hardware.)

As punishment for messing up her part and making us wait, Rae is given the additional task of contorting her body to attach the springs to the frame. Mike and the dogs point and laugh. (You're going to have to work with me here. Pretend dogs can point.)

Rae is unable to finish this task due to the fact that her belly looks like she really DID eat the dog. (Don't worry – we have a spare.) Luckily a very handsome man with a wonderfully high metabolism was around to finish the job.

Either Rae is happy with the final results – or she is thrilled about having pictures of herself wearing her pajamas posted all over the internet.

And yes – we know we have to put in a mattress.

(Mental note, buy mattress.)

* Some details may have been embellished or made up entirely. It's a blog, not a reputable news source.

Monday, September 04, 2006

Of business, babies and burgers

Sorry for not posting (Berda) but I just HAD to take that business trip to Orlando. Yes, the Orlando with Disney World. Some days I love my job.

Anyway, Rae gave me an interesting tidbit of info that's been stuck in my head for a while. According to all of her baby books – Kaylee is weighing in at about 2 pounds right now.

Wow. Two pounds.

Now I know what you're saying.

"Mike, I'm having a hard time visualizing what two pounds looks like."

So here's a visual aide for you ...

That's right. Kaylee weighs the equivilant of eight Quarter Pounders (with cheese) from McDonalds.

"Wow Mike, that's impressive. What other amazing facts do you have to share with us this morning?"

Well, I'm glad you asked. Did you know that if Kaylee were made up of cheeseburgers from McDonalds her nutritional information would be:

One hundred forty four grams of fat.
Fifty six grams of saturated fat.
Five hundred sixty miligrams of cholesterol.
Five thousand, eight hundred forty miligrams of sodium.
Three thousand, three hundred sixty calories.

And if you ate all of them, not only would you be feeling very ill, you would be going to jail.

Because you ate baby burgers.

You disgust me.