Shower pictures UPDATED**

OK - I wasn't at the shower. I had manly things to do – like go see a horrible film instead. But that won't stop me from providing captions to all the lovely pictures that Maggie took during the festivities.

** Maggie provides some insight from behind the camera. Her "thoughts" follow in italics.

"YAY! NO COLDCUTS!" (Though later Rae got hungry and thought how nice it would be to have a nice deli tray.)

Actually, Rae never uttered the phrase “Yay, no coldcuts.” She did, however, repeat “More cake!” at least six times.

Shortly after this photo was taken, Mel was assaulted by a pregnant woman. She was left shaken, but unharmed. Authorities believe the assailant was hungry and wanted the boneless chicken wings on Mel's plate. Readers are reminded that if you are going to vacation around pregnant women, please secure all extra food out of their reach – preferably on a high shelf, or suspended from a tree branch.

There was no assault. Mel was wise enough to keep Rae’s plate full to overflowing at all times. What Mr. Rice assumed was an assault was obviously Rae’s elation over being served something other than a ham sandwich.

Rae isn't smiling because she got her shower. She's not smiling because her mom and sister called her. She's smiling because her husband Photoshopped the giant zit off her chin in this close-up.

Zit? What zit? Rae hasn’t a blemish on her peaches and cream complexion!

"Oh please let this one be for me. Kaylee got enough stuff … where's that Dyson I've been hinting nonstop at?"

Rae is actually opening the lovely nursery organizer handmade by Hawaii. It’s really cool and beautiful. But don’t take my word for it; Mike, post a photo, okay?

Rae marvels at the dinosaur slippers Great-grandma Rice made for Kaylee. What? Frogs? I don't know what you're talking about – those are clearly dinosaurs. Since when does G'ma have anything to do with frogs?

They are definitely frogs. Am I the only one who’s wondering if they’ll fit Porthos?

Aunt Ruth sent a pair of hand-made lace slippers. (I can't call them "booties" – they'll take away what little bit of manhood I've been allowed to keep.)

They are indeed booties, not slippers. And they are so detailed!

"Oh look, it's another adorable baby thing. Here, pass it on."

Yeah, that’s pretty much an accurate assessment of that particular moment.

Operator error.

I beg your pardon? It was NOT operator error. Your batteries suck. I had to turn the camera off after every shot, and then quickly back on again to get it to function. And then it was slow…really…really…sloooooow.

"GIVE ME … A KEG … OF BEER … "
(C'mon, it's a "Teen Wolf" reference. It's at least a little funny.)

She wasn’t really looking for a keg here; she was demonstrating what we now refer to as her “labor face.”

Reasons #2 and #3 why Mike is a lucky, lucky man.

Oh, yeah, that’s EXACTLY why I took this photo. Because there’s nothing I enjoy more than zooming in on Rae’s ample bosom.

But in all seriousness, the shower was wonderful, even if it was a chore to keep it a surprise! Rae is even more beautiful in person than she is in pictures, Mel was a perfect hostess, and Rae’s friends were delightful company. A good time was had by all.

Especially me, because I got to drive Mike’s car back to the house.