Sunday, April 30, 2006

Product placement

So I got to thinking about that whole "GE product placement" rant in my post the other day. Is product placement really such a bad thing? Raising a child today is very expensive. If I were to send my child to Harvard (hey - s/he has Rae's genes too - it could happen) for four years today it would cost me $180,000. Forget about inflation. And don't even get me started on all the furniture and clothing and stuffed animals and diapers and general baby stuff we're going to need to buy.

How does one pay for all of that?

Well my friends, I'm glad you asked.

Product placement.

Think NASCAR - but on a baby scale. Everyone loves babies. Everyone loves to look at babies. What I'm proposing is a two step plan.

I've worked up this prototype to show what is possible at this stage. I figure the kid's got room for two, maybe three logos right now. As s/he grows, more logos. More logos means more income. I figure that given the media attention a plan like this would bring - I could charge $1K a month per logo. Easily.

Let's assume you could add another logo for every month of growth. That's $42,000 before s/he is even born.

Now you have a baby. A real, live baby. Everyone likes babies. They like to look at them, hold them, poke them with sticks, go all goo-goo face with them. Long story short - people pay attention to babies. Now, think of them as a captive audience. Instead of shirts adorned with little pink bunnies - I give you Nike. Instead of onesies with a happy hippo - McDonalds.

Now, these logos won't just be seen in person. Oh no, not in the age of the personal computer. Everday, photos are distributed to friends and family across the globe. I figure you have two, maybe three years before the "cute factor" wears off and you have just another kid. Picture a baby jumper that replicates one of those NASCAR outfits. How much money would that bring in? I don't think I can even count that high.

I'm just going to sit back and let the offers come rolling in now. If this gets off the ground, my kid won't have to get good grades to get into Harvard. We'll just buy the school.

Saturday, April 29, 2006

So now you know

The inbox is full - so I think it's safe to assume everyone got the e-mail.
Now all you have to do is wait seven more months to see the end result.

In the meantime, I'll be here to entertain you with tales of stress, hormones and ever-increasing waist lines.

Unfortunately, I don't have anything witty to throw in right now. So please enjoy this picture of a monkey.

Thursday, April 27, 2006

Meet the kid

My baby had hiser first portrait taken today. Kinda like when your mom dragged you to Sears or Wal-Mart - except without the cheesy pull-down backgrounds.

So that's himer. The blobby-looking thing in the middle. That's hiser head on the right - just in case you couldn't tell. The black stuff around himer is hiser "womb without a view." The rest of it is Rae's girlie parts.

Stop looking at my wife's girlie parts.

I mean it, stop.

I'm a little disturbed by the GE logo at the top left. Our child isn't even born yet and already s/he is being subjected to product placement. No wonder we're such a consumer-based society. It's ingrained in our heads since BEFORE birth. Do you think that when my child is driving me nuts by screaming "I WANT I WANT I WANT" that I could start a class action law suit against GE for preconditioning my child to only accept name brands?

Oh right - baby. We were talking about the baby. Rae is about nine weeks along - which keeps our original due date of 11/28. Sagittarius. Just like dad.

I think s/he kinda looks like me. Of course, I'm not 100% sure which end I'm looking at.

Tuesday, April 25, 2006

Famous Rices in History IV

In an effort to find a good name for our unborn child, we have decided to look at famous Rices (unrelated as far as we know) to name the kid after. Part FORE!:

Uncle Ben Rice
Purveyor of fine long grain white rice; available in box or bag.
Pros: "Uncle Ben's brings more to the table." Did you know that their Web site boasts 38 different types of rice, 2 types of soup AND 2 types of rice pudding?
Cons: It's a dude on a box. And he's not real. We've got more in common with the Quaker Oats guy.

Monday, April 24, 2006

It has begun

Rae had pickles for dinner last night.


Saturday, April 22, 2006

First pix

Yes, I know. You can't see anything.
But there's a kid in there.

You'll just have to trust me.

Friday, April 21, 2006

What are we doing? Part deux

OK - I've had a day to think about it.

I don't have any answers yet. Guess we'll just figure it out as we go along.

Nexy OhBeeGuyNee appointment is next week. Hopefully I'll have a picture of himer to post after the ultrasound.

Thursday, April 20, 2006

What are we doing?

How can we have a baby? What do we do with a baby? How does one care for a baby? Disposable diapers or cloth? How do you get himer to stop crying? What do you feed himer? When can s/he start eating pork chops? What will the dogs think? Will they try to eat himer? What if s/he gets sick? What if s/he poops if Rae isn't around? Where do I get a nanny? Or a housekeeper? Or day care? How do you baby-proof your home? If I don't get any sleep can I call in and take a sick day? How long until I can ship the kid off to grandpa's for the summer? Does a baby seat fit in a Mustang? Where are we going to put a baby? How much does a baby cost? Who's insurance do we put the kid on? What if my baby is lactose intollerant? Or allergic to sunlight?

So many questions. Good thing I have a few months to sort it all out.

Tuesday, April 18, 2006

Tongue firmly planted in cheek

Looks like we won't be naming our child James. Because my brother is too busy studying for a physics final to come to visit us on our short trip back to Illinois.

Not that James was ever in the running as a name anyway ...

So far "Chunk" seems to be the only option on my side of the family.

We need to invite more people.

Famous Rices in history, part 3

In an effort to find a good name for our unborn child, we have decided to look at famous Rices (unrelated as far as we know) to name the kid after. Part the third:

Anne Rice
Spinner of tales including The Vampire Chronicles and some naughty stuff involving Sleeping Beauty.
Pros: She's obviously highly creative. And rich. Maybe if we name our child after her s/he will be in line for some of that mad Vampire cash in the will.
Cons: She creeps me out. And since she wrote the books - I hold her personally responsible for subjecting me to Tom Cruise in a blonde wig and frilly shirts.

Monday, April 17, 2006


So I was talking to my baby today, when Rae told me that my child probably doesn't have any ears. Seems my child is already making it a point not to listen to me. So I did a little research and if Rae is as far along as we think she is, then my child also has:

No eyes. Or at least not in the right place. Right now s/he has eyes on either side of hisher head. Like a fish.
No arms or legs. Just nubs. Or they may be to the point where s/he has little flipper-things. Kinda like a tiny pink seal - with fish eyes.
No hair. Just like dad.
No plumbing. That's the polite way of saying s/he is neither male nor female. Kinda like E.T. or Janet Reno.

However, my baby does have a butt.

Morning sickness ...

Rae says morning sickness stinks. Because it's not just in the morning. It's in the afternoon and evening too.

I think it stinks because she won't eat anything that tastes good now. Everything is bland, bland, bland.

Gotta run now. Gotta fix Saltines and water for dinner.

Saturday, April 15, 2006

Famous Rices in history, part 2

In an effort to find a good name for our unborn child, we have decided to look at famous Rices (unrelated as far as we know) to name the kid after. Take two:

Jerry Rice
Only the greatest wide receiver ever.
Pros: 197 career received touchdowns. 1,549 career catches. Need I go on? No? Good, becasue I know nothing about sports statistics. I had to lift all that from Wikkipedia.
Cons: Four words. Dancing. With. The. Stars. I never watched the show - but I know a train wreck when I see one. My how far the mighty have fallen.

Thursday, April 13, 2006

Fan by default

S/he doesn't know it yet, but I'll do my best to make sure s/he recognizes good music when s/he hears it. And by good music I mean Wilco.

Either that - or 18 years from now s/he will see pictures of this outfit and wonder why dad had to be so lame when it came to his taste in music. And no, I haven't bought it yet - I'm not THAT obsessive.

Don't worry - I'll start with the early tracks and work my way up to the more progressive sounds. ;)

Tuesday, April 11, 2006

Famous Rices in history

In an effort to find a good name for our unborn child, we have decided to look at famous Rices (unrelated as far as we know) to name the kid after. So for our first attempt I give you:

Condoleeza Rice
George W.'s Right-Hand of Doom and Secretary of State
Pros: She's smart, speaks several languages, she's in a position of authority and just look at that beautiful smile.
Cons: Ummm ... I really can't go into that. Let's just say it shouldn't be much of a problem in a couple of years.

No sleep ...

OK - I had to work a night shift yesterday and I'm up bright and early to do my regular shift today.

I'm beat. Barely keep my eyes open tired.

But from what I understand, last night is more sleep than I should expect to get in a few months. What with the crying and the feeding and the burping and the changing and the repeating. They say you get used to running on no sleep. I did that once, it was called college.

But college still let you sleep in on the weekend. ;)

Monday, April 10, 2006

And I thought Christmas was hard

Ever had a big secret that you just want to tell everyone? In part because you are really psyched about it - but also just to get it off your chest?

I can't wait to get this off our chest.

Saturday, April 08, 2006


I'm talking to you right now on the phone - and telling you that we are coming to visit. Which is when we're telling you about the baby. Which is when you'll figure out that the Thanksgiving trip you committed to isn't just for turkey.

I'm so sly.

Now all I need to do is get our parents down here.

Friday, April 07, 2006

Crap ...

Random thought from that early morning half awake half asleep dreamy time.

Between two cats, two dogs and now a baby - my life will soon be reduced to feeding and cleaning up poop.

I am the crapmaster.

Thursday, April 06, 2006

OK - it's not an alien (we think)

Rae went to the doctor again today. I don't know if she specifically asked if it could be an alien or not - but she seems to think we're actually having a kid. Personally, I won't belive it until I see pictures.

But anyway, so far so good. Racheal just got her rules (she's not allowed to eat sushi or play in traffic) and an appointment for her first ultrasound. It's going to be a little earlier than normal because we're not sure just how far along she is.

We'll know for sure in a month or so - but for now our ETA is November 28.

Break out the turkey, we're having a pilgrim.

Wednesday, April 05, 2006

My wife is a horrible liar, part 2

Mike's lessons for expectant mothers #2.

If you're trying to keep your pregnancy a secret. Just don't tell ANYONE you're going to the doctor. And if it slips that you have an appointment - just tell them you have a nasty ingrown toenail that needs draining. Then ask them if they want to see. When they say no, make sure you walk around with a limp for the rest of the day.

Right Mel?

What if it's not a baby?

I had a thought.

So far the doctor has told Rae she's pregnant. But she didn't say pregnant with WHAT.

It could be a baby. All cute and pink and pudgy. Or it could be some weird parasitic alien just waiting to burst through her chest. All teeth and slime and hungry.

I guess I'll still love my slimy alien baby.

As long as it doesn't try to eat me.

Tuesday, April 04, 2006

My wife is a horrible liar

Mike's lessons for expectant mothers #1.

If you're trying to keep your pregnancy a secret. Don't tell co-workers you have a doctor appointment coming up. And if you HAVE to tell them so they can cover for you - MAKE SURE YOU HAVE A COVER STORY.

Right Melissa?

I'm sure there will be more of these rules coming. ;)

Monday, April 03, 2006

So my sister beat me to it

My sister has made her official announcement. She's pregnant. Little does she know that in a short time I'll be making a similar announcement. * insert evil Bond villian laugh here *

Except it's not me who's pregnant. That would be on the front page of every newspaper in the free world.

So anyway - there will be cousins the same age in my immediate family. How cool is that? (Answer: Not really. Unless you are directly related to me - in which case it makes it moderately cool.)

They would probably get along great - if we didn't live half way across the country from my sister.

Maybe they can be pen pals.

How long does it take for kids to learn how to write letters?

Sunday, April 02, 2006

The name game

Ok - at this point we don't know if we're having a boy, a girl or a monkey. But that hasn't stopped us from talking about names. I mean, we've been throwing around names for years already. Rae's favorite thing seems to be waiting until I'm ALMOST asleep and then saying "What do you think about ... "

So anyway - names. No, we haven't decided on anything this early - but Rae keeps throwing around the name Wyatt.

Wyatt Rice. I don't think so. Also ruled out are Fred Rice and anything else that would remind people of egg rolls.