Sunday, June 11, 2006

How (not) to raise children

Rae and I were talking about our concerns over becoming parents. Turns out she's a lot more worried about it than me. (Which I find silly given the fact that she is about 37 years more mature than me regardless of our actual ages.) She said something along the lines of "Kids just seem to like you. You know what to do with them."

I thought about that. And I've decided I DO know how to treat kids. It's not because I'm Super-Dad (to be) or anything. It's just that I can remember how I interacted with my brothers and sister while growing up.

And whatever I did then - I just do the exact opposite now. Here's a few examples. (Ten points to the first person who can correctly identify which sibling each event happened to.)

ONE: Do not punch the baby. (This also covers kicking the baby in the junk. It does not however cover super-wedgies off the top of the couch. Which, if I recall correctly, were requested by the recipient more often than not.)
TWO: Under no circumstances should you handcuff the baby to the monkey bars in the back yard.
THREE: Same goes for shooting the baby in the butt with a BB gun.
FOUR: Do not take the baby sledding, get tired, act like you hurt your leg and make the baby pull you home on the sled.
FIVE: Do not encourage the baby to do a strip show at the top of the stairs during a Cub Scout meeting.
SIX: Do not toss the baby into an ice cold bathtub while the baby is clothed.
SEVEN: Do not photograph the baby getting a wedgie in hisser tighty-whities after getting thrown in an ice cold bathtub.
EIGHT: Do not watch "Child's Play" with the baby, put a Chucky look-a-like doll head in hisser bed, hide under the bed and scream at the baby when s/he pulls down the sheets.
NINE: Do not take advantage of the baby's "afraid of germs" stage by showing himmer pictures of bacteria or fake sneezing on himmer whenever possible.
TEN: Do not traumatize the baby by forcing himmer to say words s/he isn't comfortable with. Like penis for example. Also, don't encourage Mom to join in the fun. Also, don't do this at the dinner table, especially when we have company.
ELEVEN: Do not cut the baby's hair. Leave it for the professionals. Or Rae.

There are many, many, many, many, many, many other rules. These are just some of the highlights. If I can manage to avoid most of these – we should be OK.

My apologies to my sibs for dredging up all of this. If you don't recall any of these happening it is because they happened before you were born, happened before you were too young to remember, or you have repressed the memory because it is too traumatic.

11 comments:

Chunk said...

1) gotta be james cause he is the only one i remember liking bungee wedgies..

2) I guess that was me.. though i do not remember handcuffs..

3) uh yeha me... but it was the upper thigh... cause you have terrible aim...

4) I hate you....

5) AHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!! <--- james

6) also James.... poor kid..

7) haha .... glad i wasn;t there to take any of the blame for this series.

8) Hi I'm Chucky, Wanna Play??? / James screams like a girl and runs away..

9) GERMS!!!!!!!! AHHHHHH!!!!!! MUST WASH HANDS... MUST WASH HANDS..... poor james...

10) *whisper* hey james...... say.. peeeenis...

11) i dunno bout this one.. maybe you finally did something mean to becky...


here are a couple extras that are good to keep in mind...

1) Do not pretend to pee on the Baby's bed, as it will usually lead to the Baby running in to pee on your bed..

2) Do not take the baby outside and tell himmer you are playing hide and seek, then when you are supposed to be hiding go inside and play video games.

becky said...

what about these:

do not lie beside baby's bed and at the right time pop up in full freddy kruger gear and scare the crap out of baby.

respect baby's personal space. there is no reason for you to read his/her diary and then incessantly tease him/her about a misspelling.


overall you were pretty good to me, or maybe i'm just so traumatized by you that i've blocked it all out.

vized06 said...

Chunk wins. (Though he had help.)

"2) Do not take the baby outside and tell himmer you are playing hide and seek, then when you are supposed to be hiding go inside and play video games."

I think I did that more than once. You think you'd learn ...

"respect baby's personal space. there is no reason for you to read his/her diary and then incessantly tease him/her about a misspelling."

HAHAHAHA -Puppy Cow.

James said...

I hate you...

You forgot: Don't use the vegetable brush on the babies face and then wrap its head in masking tape.

64% of those were about me. What did I ever do to you? All I did was look cute.

Chunk said...

Do not incessantly tease baby when himmer pet starts to eat the other pets, in fact do not tease baby about pets dying at all, especially large furry ones that may end up getting crushed by electric garage doors.

Do not spill ink on the toilet seat and claim innocence, while baby gets bare butt spanked for something s/he did not do.

Jessica said...

It looks to me like you all are really venting a lot on this one - Mike you might want to think it out a bit more before you post something that has so many other involved, especially with such negative associations. Just a thought. ;)

becky said...

"Do not spill ink on the toilet seat and claim innocence, while baby gets bare butt spanked for something s/he did not do."
i was trying to figure out how to word that one. i cried and squirmed my way out of the bare butt spanking though. :)

vized06 said...

Jessica: At least someone is commenting now. ;-)

James: We picked on you because you are the type of person who would figure out that 64% of the list was about you.

Becky and Chunk: I swear, I had nothing to do with the ink in the toilet. At least not that I can recall.

Chunk said...

becky, yes.. you were a girl.... james was too young.. and mike talked his way out.. i took the barebutt spanking for all of you.... man it sucks being the middle child.

vized06 said...

I stand firmly behind my denial.

Chunky milk said...

psh.. don't pull out... you admitted to it back when it happened.... you must be developing some of dads selective memory.