Ever seen a baby fly?

So himmer is taking hisser first flight today. (Well, second really, but s/he was way too young to remember the first one.)

I hope s/he isn't one of those people who gets sick and throws up on airplanes. If so, s/he is going to be swimming around in hisser own pee AND vomit.

And I can't imagine that would be pleasant at all.

God I can't wait until we get back and we find out if himmer is a he or a she. Trying to write for dual genders at 3:30 in the morning really hurts your brain.

No reason to blame the dog

Much baby movement tonight. I'm pretty sure it was the baby this time – I didn't notice any offending odors.

That and Rae had that Oh-My-God-I-Think-I-Can-Feel-The-Baby-Moving grin on her face. She's really cute when she gets that look.

She says it feels like somone tickling her stomach from the inside. Funny, I know exactly how that feels.

Here's a free life lesson from me to you. Never eat a crab tostada in South Tucson during the summer. It'll make your baby move.

"C" is for ...

I've noticed something about Rae since she got pregnant. She just can't seem to get enough cookies.

Going to sleep at night. She wants a cookie.
First thing in the morning. She wants a cookie.
During dinner. She wants a cookie.
At the mall. She wants a cookie.
During the movies. She wants a cookie.
After she has had a cookie. She wants another cookie.

Cookie. Cookie. Cookie. Cookie. Cookie. Cookie. Cookie. Cookie. Cookie. Cookie. Cookie. Cookie. Cookie. Cookie. Cookie. Cookie. Cookie. Cookie. Cookie. Cookie. Cookie. Cookie. Cookie. Cookie. Cookie. Cookie. Cookie. Cookie. Cookie. Cookie. Cookie. Cookie. Cookie. Cookie. Cookie. Cookie. Cookie. Cookie. Cookie. Cookie.

"C" may be for cookie, but "O" is for obsessed.

Christmas comes early

I looked at the calendar and realized we have 12 short days until the BIG ultrasound which will finally reveal if himmer is a Glen or Glenda. (Not that we're using those names, it's just an obscure movie reference.) So I got to thinking about 12. A dozen. Half a day. 12 days ...

On the first day 'fore ultrasound, my true love gave to me,
A baby in her belly ...

Now you can see where that was going. It had major potential for eye-rollage and to scare off whatever few readers this site might have that aren't genetically linked to me. (All one of them.) So as my early Christmas gift to you, I give you the gift of stopping this stupid idea before it goes any further.

Everybody wins - and you don't even have to drive to the mall, fight for a parking spot, stand in line, argue with a sales clerk (it's a gift, why would I have a receipt?!) and exchange the gift for store credit.

Ho. Ho. Ho.

Done mixing and matching ...

She's worn the big shirts.
She's worn the stretchy pants.
But now she's gone into uncharted territory.

Today Rae wore an outfit made completely of maternity clothes.

And she didn't hyper-ventilate once. (At least not that she will admit.)

Quick! Check her stats!

I should have started this sooner so you'd have some sense of how things have changed. But I'm not that smart. Luckily, I'm devestatingly handsome - so that gets me through most of life's challenges.

You - in the back. Quit smirking.

Belly: 36 inches
Belly button depth: Approx. .25" deep
Bust: Like I'm gonna put that on the internet. What kind of pervs do you want me to attract to this blog?
Butt: Again. Not gonna happen. But this time because I know Rae will read this and I value my life.
Height: Still 5-foot two and three-fourths of an inch.
Weight: I don't know. Rae won't allow a scale in the house.

So really, you didn't get too much out of that. Sorry. There's just not too much going on right now. Feel like you didn't get your money's worth from this entry? Let me make it up to you. Here's a clip of a monkey sniffing his own butt.

Happy Father's Day

Not that we had anything planned anyway - but I'm sick on the couch all day.
Spending all day in front of a TV doesn't sound like a bad FD - but you don't want what comes with it.

Trust me.

[Edit: My dad called to wish me a happy Father's Day - and I was so out of it I forgot to reciprocate. So happy Father's Day dad.]

Scene from a home office with a pregnant lady and her tired husband

[Scene: Early morning. Mike is bleary-eyed and trying to boot up his computer (stoopid firmware update won't go through.) Rae enters stage right.]

Rae: Good morning.
Mike: Mmmmpppphhhfff.
I didn't want to get up this early, stupid sun.
Mmmmpppphhhfff.
I need some love, gimme a hug.

[Rae spins his chair around, climbs on his lap and proceeds to full-body hug.]

Oh, excuse me.
Mmmmpppphhhfff.

[The smell begins to waft upward.]
Oh, and it's stinky too ...
Mmmmpppphhhfff.

[Rae looks around for a dog to blame and for the first time EVER, there is not one underfoot.]

I'm sorry. It just - ya know ...
Mmmmpppphhhfff.

[End scene.]

Month five already?

My how time flies. Today marks the very beginning of month five. Himmer's going to be here before you know it. But you don't want to hear that. You want ...

More random facts about himmer from the Baby Doctor magazine.
(If this doesn't sound familiar, check out month four back in April.)

FACT: My baby is growing ears. But will likely only be able to hear hisser mother for the next month or so. (I'm willing to bet I continue to get ignored well after that.)
FACT: Almost all of the follicles from which my baby's hair will grow develop this month. (Kid - you had better pray you get your mother's genes. Unless you're a girl, in which case you will likely never have to shave your legs.)
FACT: My baby is free-floating in about a pint of amniotic fluid. Said fluid, which is completely replaced every 24 hours, is mostly made up of fetal urine. (Yes, baby pee.) And most of this fluid is removed by himmer swallowing it. (I'm really hoping s/he outgrows this.)
FACT: Himmer's sucking reflex is strong and if hisser thumb should happen to float past hisser mouth, s/he may suck hisser thumb. (Please, no jokes about himmer's inate aptitude to suck.)
FACT: Himmer's bones are developing and Rae is a lot more likely to feel himmer moving around. (Great, more things to blame on the dog.)

Score.

Due to all the nasty memories dredged up by my previous post, Rae has made a decision.

Our child will be an only child.

Now we just need to move back to Illinois so himmer will have my sister's kid to pick on.

How (not) to raise children

Rae and I were talking about our concerns over becoming parents. Turns out she's a lot more worried about it than me. (Which I find silly given the fact that she is about 37 years more mature than me regardless of our actual ages.) She said something along the lines of "Kids just seem to like you. You know what to do with them."

I thought about that. And I've decided I DO know how to treat kids. It's not because I'm Super-Dad (to be) or anything. It's just that I can remember how I interacted with my brothers and sister while growing up.

And whatever I did then - I just do the exact opposite now. Here's a few examples. (Ten points to the first person who can correctly identify which sibling each event happened to.)

ONE: Do not punch the baby. (This also covers kicking the baby in the junk. It does not however cover super-wedgies off the top of the couch. Which, if I recall correctly, were requested by the recipient more often than not.)
TWO: Under no circumstances should you handcuff the baby to the monkey bars in the back yard.
THREE: Same goes for shooting the baby in the butt with a BB gun.
FOUR: Do not take the baby sledding, get tired, act like you hurt your leg and make the baby pull you home on the sled.
FIVE: Do not encourage the baby to do a strip show at the top of the stairs during a Cub Scout meeting.
SIX: Do not toss the baby into an ice cold bathtub while the baby is clothed.
SEVEN: Do not photograph the baby getting a wedgie in hisser tighty-whities after getting thrown in an ice cold bathtub.
EIGHT: Do not watch "Child's Play" with the baby, put a Chucky look-a-like doll head in hisser bed, hide under the bed and scream at the baby when s/he pulls down the sheets.
NINE: Do not take advantage of the baby's "afraid of germs" stage by showing himmer pictures of bacteria or fake sneezing on himmer whenever possible.
TEN: Do not traumatize the baby by forcing himmer to say words s/he isn't comfortable with. Like penis for example. Also, don't encourage Mom to join in the fun. Also, don't do this at the dinner table, especially when we have company.
ELEVEN: Do not cut the baby's hair. Leave it for the professionals. Or Rae.

There are many, many, many, many, many, many other rules. These are just some of the highlights. If I can manage to avoid most of these – we should be OK.

My apologies to my sibs for dredging up all of this. If you don't recall any of these happening it is because they happened before you were born, happened before you were too young to remember, or you have repressed the memory because it is too traumatic.

Baby daddy at the Baby doctor

I got up early this morning so I could accompany Rae to her latest appointment with the OB (henceforth known as Baby doctor). I was hoping there would be formal introductions (Baby Daddy, Baby Doctor; Baby Doctor, Baby Daddy) but Rae, being the Martin to my Lewis, never thinks of funny. She was more concerned about, well, girl stuff.

But, I did learn a few important things today:

ONE: The Dunkin Donuts on the way to the Baby doctor charges 15 cents more for a medium coffee than the Dunkin Donuts I normally stop at in the morning. And they use too much sugar.
TWO: The Baby doctor also dabbles in "cosmetic medicine." So she can deliver your baby and shoot your face up with Botulism byproducts.
THREE: The Gentle Yag Laser Hair Removal System™ is completely safe and up to 150% faster than other laser hair removal systems. And there is no messy lubricant to clean up later!
FOUR: Pregnant women who need to use the bathroom are very impatient. Especially when they have an obnoxious two-year-old in tow.
FIVE: Rae lost 4 pounds since her last Baby doctor visit. (Which amazes me because she's developing quite the Buddah-belly.)
SIX: Himmer's heart beat (which I heard for the first time today) sounds like a sound effect from one of those crappy space shows Rae watches on the Sci-Fi channel.
SEVEN: Baby doctor appointments consist of 45 minutes of waiting, 2 minutes of peeing and 5 minutes of actually being seen by the Baby doctor.
EIGHT: Rae's next appointment is the day after we get back from vacation. It will be THE ultrasound where we find out if himmer is actually a him or a her.

And if you're nice, I'll tell you what we know when we know it. :)

Movement??!!

Rae swears she felt himmer moving around yesterday. Not kicking - too soon for that - but moving. She says it felt like she had butterflies in her stomach.

I think she had gas.

Having gas and saying it's the baby is kind of like blaming a fart on the dog. Except who's going to call a pregnant lady on that?

Rae: I just felt the baby move!
Me: Are you sure? Cause I think I can smell the baby moving.
Rae: You're such a boy. You just don't understand.
Rae: Besides, that smell was the dog.

I've got a little chubby

Yup - you can officially tell she's pregnant now.
Either that, or she just ate a very large lunch.


Or maybe both?

At the baby store

Rae and I took a trip to the baby store earlier this week. We were on that side of town and just decided to stop in and see what kind of wonderful new merchandise was waiting for us. (We are consumers, we must consume.) Diapers, cribs, bottles, nipple brushes, mobiles ... they had it all.

And a lot of it was crap.

Babies don't need half the stuff they had on the shelves. They didn't have half this stuff when my siblings and I were kids - and we turned out fine. (Well, most of us did.)

"Like what," you say? "Give us an example," is what I hear? How about baby wipe warmers? It's a little box with a light in it (similar to an E-Z Bake Oven – but this won't make little cakes) which heats up the wipes so it's not too cold for himmer.

Really. Do I need to spend $19.99 on this? Will I scar my child for life if I clean hisser butt with a room-temperature wipe? (And really – room temperature in Arizona is pretty warm already.)

But wait! There's more! For only a few dollars more ($21.99) you can get one with a built-in changing light! So you can clean Junior's rump (comfortably mind you) in the dark! AMAZING!

But what really got me was the strollers. I've dodged these things in public places for years – but I hadn't realized just how obnoxious they have become. My idea of a stroller – the kind I sat in as a tyke – is made of a couple pieces of aluminium, some canvas and a couple of rickity plastic wheels. The kind which folds up small enough that it can be easily carried by any able-bodied adult.

Today's strollers are tanks. Huge off-road wheels and a better suspension system than my car (wouldn't want baby to wake up if we have to take it off-road). Cup holders, hand brakes, sun screens, storage areas and more! The area where baby sits? They're packed in with so many foam pillows I don't think they can actually move. And remember how small those other strollers collapsed down to? These fold down so they can be stored in the back of most SUVs – but only after you remove the car seat portion.

I think this visual aide says it all:

is to

as

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Any questions?