Must-haves for new dads

There's a lot to learn when you become a new dad. Which end of the diaper goes in front? How do you make her stop screaming? Where does all that poop come from? Why is she sleeping NOW? How do I do that without getting (insert bodily fluid of choice here) all over me? Why is she still hungry? Why? Why? Why!?!

I don't have the answers, but these are just a few of the many, many items I have found that make my life sooo much easier.

The bouncy seat – It is truely a gift from the gods. Strap baby in – set to vibrate and let her scream herself into submission. On a good day it takes all of 30 seconds. The only problem is once she's sleeping here, it's really tough to transfer her to the bed without waking her up. Best to just leave her be.

The bink – No, I don't have any idea where the name comes from. What I do know is that this is the greatest plug ever invented. When it is combined with the bouncy seat, it is truely an awesome force. Please take care not to use it for evil.

The Diaper Genie – It's like those old Roach Motel commercials, Poop checks in and never checks out. All the diapers get wrapped up into this giant diaper sausage for easy disposal. My only beef – make it bigger. The way this kid goes, I have to empty it all the time.

The Tivo – Why? Because the baby is going to scream in the middle of your favorite show. So now you can pause it, rewind it, fast forward through the commercials, whatever. AND – you can record all your shows so you have something to watch when you're stuck on the couch at 3 AM with a baby who won't sleep.

The Guitar Hero – Remember all those video games you used to play? The hours you spent trying to get 100% completion on Grand Theft Auto? Those days are over. (Well, for the most part.) But – don't throw out your PS2 yet. I give you the greatest game of at least the past ... well, it's good. You can play it for hours, or more likely, minutes at a time. If you've got time to listen to a song – you can play a round. And I defy you to get "Strutter" by KISS out of your head ...

And last, but not least – The breast-feeding wife – You must have one of these. It makes those every-three-hour-feedings so much easier. Just make sure you take care of her – they can burn out if you let them fly solo too much.